Her Well Is Low

I heard the scream, an ear-piercing scream in one of our classes. I could only make out the skeleton of the voice, it was feminine and heavy with emotions. It was a literal cry for help that could not be mistaken for a prank on graduation day. I dashed to the direction where the voice was emanating from to flesh up the voice, give it a name and purpose.

After a long and gruesome year, the term was finally coming to an end and as is the custom at our school, we prepared for a graduation ceremony, one of a kind this time. The compound was filled to capacity, learners dressed to kill, teachers and parents weren't left behind. The decorations were at the best we’ve ever had, the sun was up and we were set for a great day ahead.

As I moved to the classroom, I could already tell that the screams that had rendered the air had sent a wave of confusion to the pupils and teachers alike. I hastened my steps to find out. Her hands were on her head and the illusion of the loss of a loved one crossed my mind. “Mercy*, what’s wrong?” I asked. As if I wasn’t there, she kept screaming, attracting attention even further. She didn’t answer, she was buried in her pain, sorrow and anguish, she had had enough, her body was in excruciating pain, I later found out.

I was lost for words, I didn’t know whether I should get the door or let her out; whether I should be kind and loving or harsh to slap her back to reality. Soon, I noticed that her body could not take it anymore. She couldn’t play nice any longer, she couldn’t have it together anymore. She got out of the room, still wailing to the top of her lungs, attracting the attention of the young ones in the vicinity. It was supposed to be a jovial day but her body could not submit to that fact.

I quickly moved her to the next room and later asked someone to get her daughter who happened to be around for the day. She stormed in, I presume she had gotten wind of what had transpired. She was confused but all too familiar with these events. I hugged Mercy, tight, she was still inconsolable. I wanted her to feel the warmth of love and care. The daughter joined in the hug and tears. This was one of the saddest moments I’ve ever experienced, I almost lost it but had to pull myself together for the sake of this family whom a mental disease had robbed them joy and stability.

HOPE (Live it)

It’s a little over a year since I took the last pill that brought my sanity back. After six months of taking antidepressants I could finally have it together. For those reading this for the first time, I am a depression survivor, I’d like to use my experience and lessons learnt to impart others. What pulled me through upon getting the right diagnosis was the information I found online, mainly from those who are in the battlefield or have survived depression.

Most medical conditions leave us hooked and dependent on them pills, you can call them drugs, legal ones, of course. When I started off the treatment I got mixed feedback, some psychologists believed I’ll be dependent forever while others thought that my situation was manageable, they kind of minimized it. I remember this particular lady I met in Mombasa during a play in the theatre where I was given a chance to speak of my experience, she pulled me aside and with love and empathy in her eyes whispered “you know this is life long, right?” I kept the faith that I’ll be off medication soon but another thought lingered in my mind that it might not end.

Personally, I did what many medics find profane. I tapered of the medication myself, that is slowly reducing the dosage to point I could finally do without it. Just glad it worked but don't try this at home. Depression is one complex condition and in as much as we try to establish the exact cause, medics attribute it to inability of the body to handle stressful situations in a prolonged span of time depleting the hormones in the brain that manage bodily functions. So if you just got your diagnosis, having a relapse that is making you doubt if you’ll ever make out, you have been at it for just too long or if you are reading this for a loved one, there is hope.

It’ll be a misgiving to presume I’m speaking for all survivors but I’ll share from my point of view. Going forward, I have been sensitive to the triggers that get me on to the sick bed and I’ve been quick to avoid them for a sober future. I’d like to take this opportunity to share the lessons I’ve learnt in this journey:

1.      Prayer and inspiration kept me going.

Even in the saddest of days, I hang in the thin string of hope that God is able to see me through. Truth is, being saved and dealing with depression was the biggest test of my faith but from it arose a lady confident in God’s purpose and ability. Whenever you question yourself, always remember God does everything for a reason and your test is within your ability.

2.      You are not alone.

There are more like you out there, some are aware and hiding, others are in denial whereas few talk about it.  Many disease related deaths are not attributed to the disease itself but rather the depression that creeps in the dark of night. I’m not saying this to scare you but to give you hope,  I hope it serves the purpose.

3.      There is no magic wand.

You are unique, you might need both medication and counselling or one of the two, you might need medication in some seasons in your life, shortly or it can as well be lifelong. Be open to what works best for you.

4.      Recognize your triggers and establish your safe haven.

Music did it for me and when things got too heated and I felt like my head was exploding I kept away from the environment that was brought about the stressful situation. This isn’t a sign of weakness, just self love.

5.      Peace comes from within.

Study shows that most depression victims are artists! Shocking? The same way we allow our creative mind to wander around and create creative content so should we create time to love on ourselves and speak greatness. Forgive yourself, don’t beat yourself for mistakes, perfection is an illusion.

6.      Keep away from drugs.

Drugs interfere with our brain function and since depression is connected to the hormones in the brain, drugs will interfere greatly with sanity and even reduce chances of survival.

Some people will attribute many things you do, say, or not to your ailment. You may feel the need to explain yourself considering the harsh judgement. You may even question your sanity but keep the faith, it will pay off. For all the people that have fallen victims to this menace knowing or unknowingly must not tie their lives to this particular season of their lives. Rather, they should faithfully take the pills or attend counselling sessions and slowly allow sanity to sip in.