More Than Meets The Eye

Since I got a rude awakening of depression three years ago after my diagnosis, I have noticed a fallacy amongst many. I call it rude because neither had I educated myself on this matter despite of it happening under my nose nor thought it would ever get to me. Then, boom! I was knocked off my feet.

I got sensitive soon after, expected, right? I listen to conversations surrounding mental illnesses with precision. I take keen interest in words and the subtle absurd assumptions and conclusion mainly from people who give uninformed opinions. I am saying this with so much authority because I was there. The kind of talk that makes most mental illness patients stay under the radar. Those capable of functioning without restraints and institutionalization stay in the closet to fit in the society. Those in need of medication pop them in the dead of night and play a cat and mouse game with friends when refilling their prescription. Others just can’t stand the hiding game and stop their treatment prematurely.

The stigma isn’t confined in those without the experience, those who have ever experienced a mental illness vindictively point at those in their lowest moment, forgetting their journey or the fact that they are at a high propensity of falling into the situation. I have lost touch with a few friends who could not bear the burden of being labeled ‘insane.’ As soon as they had it together, they bid me goodbye, hid the “shameful” memory of their experience in their brain and intentionally forget the combination. Simply put ‘kuzikwa kwenye kaburi la sahau.’ Inspite of this decision, some end up flipping back and having an extremely unstable mental state that was avoidable.

On common feedback is the victims are asked to snap out of it. This to me is the most insensitive comment ever. Yah, I know you don’t get it, you assume it is all in the victims’ hands or head. Quick question for you; why don’t you normally pose the same question to your brother hit by a bout of relentless malaria or you hypertensive grand mum? This is it people, this is a real deal, a real ailment that calls for medical attention. By the time someone is consumed to the point where sanity eludes them, trust me, they have been to the lowest and seen the darkest days life has to offer.

Think of it this way; there are varied kinds of swimmers response when they get overwhelmed by the waters and see the possibility of drowning. Some are able to be calm and can easily be salvaged; actually, they mostly float back with little to no help. Naturally, our weights can be contained when we relax in water no matter the depth of the water body and the skill of the swimmer. Others panic uncontrollably and down they go. Think of mental illnesses in the same breadth, some people can get up their feet sooner than others due to genetic make-up and other factors while others need more help.

Has it ever crossed your mind that your suicidal sibling is not selfish? They might have had a less tough life in your judgment but they are unstable. Sure, they fear that your mother is going to be astounded with grief due to their demise, their children will have to grow without their parent. Trust me, it breaks their heart unfathomably but they are at the end of the rope, unable to function in the normal spectrum. These are people who feel helpless and hopeless even with so much in their disposal

With technology, the world is like a village now. With a touch of a button, one is able to access information of an event happening miles away and even attend online. This has connected us in one level and ripped us apart in another. We don’t hold deep conversations any more; instead, we are constantly checking the stream of information on our news feed. The videos, the images, the intriguing texts all inform us and stab us in the chest, especially when we see successful stories that seem out of reach for us. Families should improve the off gadget times and hold real conversations that can unearth overwhelming situations. Let’s bring the outdoor back, get to the world and experience. We no longer need to mask our true feelings to impress the people we don’t know, some we don’t even like. Let’s be real, get off our high horses and relate better. Expression of emotion is not a show of weakness, rather, it is strength. Let’s encourage true and real conversations

So, you ask me how you can come through. Please be patient with them. They are totally not in control; in bi polar disorder cases for example, you encounter two people trapped in one. They aren’t lazy neither are they loud, they are sick in need of hormones to balance the episodes or therapy or both. It mostly takes longer for some people to get the right combination. Let’s not be quick in writing each other off, actually no one should ever be written off. Every emotion expressed is valid, be it anger, apathy or joy.

Finally, it is important that we all get educated in this matter since it can happen to the better of us, we are not immune. Actively listen to one another and exercise patience.

 

Depression Claimed a Creative Mind

Everybody has a let out, a ventilation, the place where piled up pressure is released. Mine is in music, writing and watching oooh, let me add exercise to the list. If I were to rank all these, writing will top it, I write my feelings, literally. At my lowest, I type my feelings away. My eldest brother, Hudson, was an artist.  He drew with passion and colored enthusiastically.

Hudson was short in stature and naturally quiet, the most laid back member of our family. He loved cartoons and spent his time even as an adult watching them, they were intriguing and from then ideas for his art were birthed. Whenever possible, he’d choose a serene location and have his brush, ink and paper at hand. Hours in, he’d engage in his skill fervently, his ventilation.

Hudson was intelligent too, lived in the days when grades made the whole difference and the difference he made, setting the bar high. As high as his high school grade was, it was lower than what he hoped for and was capable of and wanted to give it another shot but as fate would have it, he did not retake the class. All this in addition to failed attempts to go overseas to further his studies took a toll on him.

I don’t remember the genesis of his break out but I know my silent brother got louder at some point, his thoughts weren’t coherent with his speech. He acted out time and again and started visiting the mental clinic where he found solace. He was on medication which I later found out were antidepressants that caused him to slow down, too much for comfort. His weight went up the roof and the intelligent him was off the window.

Until I was diagnosed with depression, I wasn’t the supportive sister that I should have been. I didn’t understand the change, neither did I seek to deeply know what was ailing him. I wanted my eldest brother back, I wanted him to be a man and stand up for himself and the rest of us. I wanted him to style up and shake off the insanity.

My brother, more than anything needed to be cared for, he needed to be reassured that all will be well and most all to get the much needed emotional support. Thank you sister Nancy for the time you spent with him and the love you showed him. You were consistent, patient and most of all empathetic.

As we mark five years since his demise, I can't help but stretch a helping hand to somebody and anybody in need of mental health help. All we've got to do is notice unprecedented changes and reach out to people around us, you could be saving someone from an early grave.

Maintain Sanity in Insane Times

A wind of uncertainty has blown over the world and has been hanging over humanity’s head for over to 2 months, Kenya has felt the heat for a month. The defining moment came during, the president’s press briefing on Sunday, 15^th March 2020. On this day, learning in institutions was suspended indefinitely, sending learners and teachers home.

At this point, it had become apparent that more measures had to be put in place to keep the corona virus at bay. We were earlier advised to keep off social gatherings but this had to be set as a rule of the thumb to keep citizens safe. The hotel and entertainment industry was hit hard as flights were stopped, religious gathering were also put on hold. Left running were the essential service providers, mainly medics and security service personnel.

The message on the airwaves is a constant and consistent reminder for people to stay home. Staying home is relaxing, fun, offering a great opportunity for family to bond. On the flip side, too much of anything is poisonous and solitude is bound to rake a toll on people. Mental illnesses creep in at such times when one feels desolate, helpless, hopeless, stuck, angry and hungry. One can easily reach a breaking point.

The media isn’t making it any easier as they share the soaring numbers of the newly infected and those who have succumbed to the ailment. As informative as it is intended, it carries hopelessness with it. Below are the tips that can help you maintain sound mental state in this pandemic:

1     1.      Ignite your passion

Find something you are passionate about and engage in it in this season when you have a lot of time in your hands. It could be reading, writing, watching inspiring content.

2.         Exercise

When you exercise, feel good hormones are released in your system, something that can keep you afloat in the wake of slow times. Large space is good for exercising but due to the pandemic, it is important you do it at the confines of your home.

3.        Do not obsess on the statistics

In as much as numbers don’t lie, seeing developed countries with better medical machinery struggling doesn’t make one hopeful.

4.       Use the media channels to your advantage

Video conferencing can keep you connected to the outside world. Look at it this way, the money you’d have used as fare or fuel to your friend’s place can buy data bundles and have you connected via zoom.

5.       Soul search

God has a way of drawing beauty out of ashes. Use this time to soul search, write that business plan, start that book that your tight schedule couldn’t allow you to do. 

Covid-19 is not a death sentence; many have been healed or cured. Seek help as soon as you realize you may be exposed to the corona virus. Above all, this too shall pass.

Darkness In My Light

The lows have been too low for the past two weeks. I have dragged myself out of bed every morning and have run my days like a zombie. Like the ground isn’t capable of holding my weight, I have lain down from being lightheaded. My functionality has been at the bare minimum, unable to stretch, my concentration is like that of a 5 year old, only difference play was off the table.

The dreaded moment is here; close to three years of sanity seem to be slamming the door at my face. Walls are carving in and everything in me is just exhausted, stretched beyond comfort. I had a depression relapse and it’s all coming back, a feeling I don’t wish even for the least of my friends. Its slow and draining, capturing you from the blues, when you least expect and takes away all the will power and zeal for life.

I’ve dubbed myself a depression survivor for a long time because, for as long as I haven’t had a relapse, it seemed as a thing of the past. Sometimes, the past creeps back in the dead of night and engulfs my entire being. Making me doubt if I was ever well to start with. My joints are sore, hands weak and legs can no longer hold my weight, they have given in to the weight of the world.

With the physical bodily strain, I hoped against all hope that that is all it was, a physical illness. Malaria was my closest bet. Malaria does this too, it can make your muscles feel sore but the female anopheles mosquito hasn’t gotten to me this time. I made it but was instead caught out by the darkness. The dark cloud covered my head and stopped me from moving, from seeing the beauty that is life.

You think there’s stigma surrounding some physical ailments, wait till you meet people conversing about someone dealing with a mental illness. The undertones, the side eye look and the emotive smile tells it all. The victims have to deal with the fact that their bodies have given up on them under the weight of the harsh world.

Adele's "Should I give up or just keep chasing pavements, even if leads nowhere.” Is the song on replay. I choose to keep chasing, to live.

I am still hopeful that I’ll see a brighter day, a day when the ache and the pain will be long gone, when concentrating will no longer be an uphill task. When I’ll no longer feel the need to isolate myself, when my feeding and sleeping patterns will be consistent and predictable. If and when this day will not come, I have peace in my soul and know that it shall be well.